No, I don’t want to bring my kids to sing or hear MTV-raised “fans” who should know better sing

“A singer in a smoky room
The smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on”

within earshot of Vin Scully’s sage wisdom.

No, I don’t want to hear about loser skanks from “South Detroit” dreaming about “finding emotion” when I’m at Dodger Stadium. I don’t understand why the song is even popular in Detroit because it’s about seeking to LEAVE Detroit. But like most people too innumerate to understand that a trillion is a million million, most people really don’t think much about the songs they sing and their meaning.

Even more pathetically, the new inning starts before the chorus with the tiltle of the song and the only three words from the lyrics that might have anything to do with baseball, “don’t stop believin’” are sung. The song UTTERLY FAILS at even getting to the base of an inspiring crescendo to lift fan and player spirits.

Feh. I want to paraphrase Tom Hanks and scream “There’s no Journey in baseball!” At least there shouldn’t be.

Take a look at our “best baseball rally songs” and vote or add your own suggestion.

“Don’t Stop Believin’”
“Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)”
“We Are Family”
“Another One Bites the Dust”
“God Bless America”
“Dirty Water”
“Hava Nagila”

But it was great to see Joe Torre letting Chad Billingsley (who couldn’t buy a strike through nearly 80 pitches in the first 3 innings) find his groove, get two key hits to catalyze the offense and win the game against the first place Mets.

You’d have been proud of me responding to a jerk Dodger fan 3 rows behind me who was yelling in the first inning at the ump: “Some of us LEFT New York to get away from people like you.” I got laughs from everyone within earshot and the idiot cooled off quickly. Indeed, many of us New York expatriates have grown to love hearing Randy Newman’s “I Love LA” after a hometown win by the Dodgers, or that other LA team.

Way to go, Troy. You put fanatic in the word fan.

The trap I fell into was thinking of starting pitchers and began thinking of 15, one pitch per batter for 5 innings in a rained-out game. Then someone at my office said 1, a reliever comes in in a tie game with 2 outs in the 9th inning, gets the batter out, and the home team wins in a walk-off in the bottom of the 9th.

At the office today we were discussing Los Angeles Dodger Joe Beimel‘s one-pitch win over the Florida Marlins. Scott Proctor relieves Hideki Kuroda and retires the first two batters with a ground out and a strikeout. Proctor is relieved by Joe Beimel who gets a pop-out for the 3rd out and left the game. In the top of the 9th, the Dodgers score 2 runs and Takashi Saito gets the save, retiring all three batters including two K’s.

In theory, a reliever could come in to pitch in a tie game in the 9th with 2 outs and a runner on base, pick off the runner before throwing a pitch and then the home team scores a run in the bottom of the 9th. That would be a win with no pitches.

Has it ever happened?

I am trying to dig up stats on 1-pitch and theoretical 0-pitch wins. Please comment.

The haunted expression of the construction worker who dug up the jersey of the Red Sox’s David Ortiz in the concrete of the Yankee Stadium-to-be tells me that more than a few fans believe strongly in jinxes.

The first baseball jinxes I remember were of my little league coach George Pierre telling me to never let bats on the ground cross and to never step on the foul line. I just learned from Wikipedia that we’re merely two years from the centennial anniversary of the use of the word “jinx” to refer to something other than a bird fortelling misfortune seems to have been in the context of baseball; in short story The Jinx (1910) (later collected in the book The Jinx: Stories of the Diamond (1911)), Allen Sangree wrote

“By th’ bones of Mike Kelly, I’ll do it! Yes, sir, I’ll hoodoo th’ whole darned club, I will. I’ll put a jinx on ‘em or my name ain’t Dasher, an’ that goes!”

And..

But the ball players instantly knew the truth. “A jinx, a jinx,” they whispered along the bench. “Cross-eyed girl sittin’ over there back o’ third. See her ? She’s got Th’ Dasher. Holy smoke, look at them eyes!” Like the discreet and experienced manager he was, McNabb did not chasten his men in this hour of peril. He treated the matter just as seriously as they, condoling with The Dasher, bracing up the Yeggman, execrating the jinx and summoning all his occult strategy to outwit it. “

and later referenced in Pitching at a Pinch (1912), Hall of Famer Christy Mathewson explained that “a jinx is something which brings bad luck to a ball player.”

Baseball’s most common “jinx” belief is that talking about a pitcher’s ongoing no-hitter will cause it to be ended.

Larry Stone wrote in a 2005 Seattle Times article:

10 great moments in baseball superstition history

1. One of the earliest examples of obsessive adherence to superstition occurred in 1927, when Pirates manager Donnie Bush wanted star outfielder Kiki Cuyler, a future Hall of Famer, to move from third to second in the batting order. Cuyler refused to do so because of his superstitious devotion to hitting third — and superstitious fear of moving to the No. 2 hole. Bush — already upset with Cuyler for not sliding hard enough for the manager’s liking to break up a double play earlier in the season — suspended Cuyler just before the World Series. The Pirates, batting just .223 as a team, were swept by the Yankees — and Cuyler was traded to the Cubs in November.
2. Ron Wright of Kamiakin High, once a top prospect in the minor leagues, got in the habit of shaving his forearms when he played for the Macon Braves in Class AA. He originally shaved to facilitate a bandage wrapping for a jammed left wrist, but began hitting so well that he incorporated the manscaping into his routine for years.

   “I’ll keep shaving them until I have a bad year,” Wright said in a 1997 interview.

   There is no official word on the status of Wright’s forearms when he finally made his major-league debut, with the Mariners in 2002, after eight years kicking around the minors.

   Called up when Edgar Martinez went on the disabled list, Wright started one game as designated hitter, on Aug. 13. In his major-league debut, Wright struck out against Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers. In his second at-bat, he grounded into a triple play. In his third at-bat, he grounded into a double play. Three at-bats, six outs, surely a major-league record for singular futility. Wright was sent back down to Class AAA Tacoma shortly thereafter without another plate appearance, and has never returned to the major leagues.

3. Back in 1984, Minnesota Twins pitcher Frank Viola noticed a large banner at the Metrodome that said “FRANKIE SWEET MUSIC VIOLA.” He also noticed that whenever the banner appeared, he seemed to pitch well, and, in fact, never lost. According to Sports Illustrated, the banner’s creator, a fan named Mark Dornfield, introduced himself to Viola in 1987, and the two talked for two hours. That season, Viola went 15-0, with four no-decisions (all Twins victories) in banner games.

   The Twins made the World Series that season, and Viola learned that Dornfield didn’t have a ticket. That prompted Kathy Viola, Frank’s wife, to call Dornfield up and offer him tickets to Games 1 and 7. As SI reported, “With the banner proudly unfurled, Viola won both games and was named Series MVP.”

4. Teams and players have come to dread being on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and for good reason. In 2002, researchers at the magazine pored over 47 years worth of covers, and reported that 37.2 percent of the time (913 out of 2,456 covers to that date), something negative happened to the cover subjects. That includes nearly 12 percent that suffered injuries or death.

   The so-called “Sports Illustrated Jinx” starts with Milwaukee Braves slugger Eddie Mathews, who was on the very first SI cover while the Braves were in first place. Mathews promptly hurt his hand, missed seven games, and the Braves fell out of first place.

5. Baseball fans are intimately familiar with the Curse of the Bambino, which mercifully ended its reign when the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series — 84 years after Sox owner Harry Frazee sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees.

   Most baseball fans are also acquainted with the Curse of the Billy Goat, which according to legend was bestowed upon the Cubs when Chicago tavern owner William “Gus” Sianis was upset that his pet goat was denied entrance into a World Series game in 1945. Sianis supposedly declared that no World Series would ever again be played at Wrigley Field, and despite numerous efforts by the Cubs and their fans to lift the curse, the World Series has continued to evade the Cubbies.

6. Only hard-core fans, and devotees of Japanese baseball, are aware of the Curse of Colonel Sanders. The victims are the Hanshin Tigers, who are the Japanese equivalent of the Cubs and Red Sox — one title in 68 years. That came in 1985, and in celebration, fans resembling Tigers stars leaped into Osaka’s toxic Dotonbori River in celebration. However, no one could be found who resembled the Tigers’ burly American star Randy Bass, so resourceful fans went to a nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet, stole a statue of Colonel Sanders, and tossed it in the river.

   In subsequent years, the Tigers plummeted back to the basement, and according to legend will not win another championship until the Colonel is found. Numerous efforts to recover the statue have been undertaken, to no avail.

7. Countless players observe the time-honored superstition of not stepping on the foul line (except for the ones who observe the time-honored counter-superstition of stepping ON the foul line).

   Mel Stottlemyre, the Yankees’ longtime ace and current pitching coach, told how he came to believe in the power of foul-line avoidance. He said that a Yankees coach, Jim Hegan, told him one day before a game with the Twins that it was a silly belief, and that stepping on the foul line would have no effect on his performance.

   Stottlemyre thought he might have a point, and cavalierly stepped on the foul line as he went out to face the Twins. Here’s his account of that day’s game in “The Baseball Almanac”:

   “The first batter I faced was Ted Uhlaender, and he hit a line drive off my left shin. It went for a hit. Carew, Oliva and Killebrew followed with extra-base hits. The fifth man hit a single and scored and I was charged with five runs. I haven’t stepped on a foul line since.”

8. “The Baseball Almanac,” written by Dan Schlossberg, gives perhaps the most comprehensive examination of baseball superstitions available anywhere.

   Here is a small sample of some of the superstitions, jinxes, hoodoos and curse-breakers he lists from the course of baseball history:

   • Touch cross-eyed person (Chris Von Der Ahe, 1887).
   • Yellow dog mascot (Cincinnati Reds, 1887).
   • Pebbles in pocket (Jack Glasscock, 1890s).
   • Wooden horseshoes with four-leaf clover, jade monkeys and totems, batboy Eddie Bennett (Babe Ruth, 1920s).
   • Someone touching his glove (Van Lingle Mungo, 1938).
   • Rub batboy’s head (Dolf Camilli, 1938).
   • Stick of gum in back pocket for each win, stuffed bear in uniform (Ron Bryant, 1960s).
   • Kukailimoku war god statue (Milt Wilcox, 1975).
   • College long johns (Rick Cerrone, 1979).
   • Two dollar bills in back pocket (Al Holland, 1984)
9. One classic baseball superstition requires that teammates must not talk to a pitcher who is working on a no-hitter. It’s an obligation that usually results in the pitcher sitting in isolation on the bench in the latter innings, as illustrated below. The Yankees’ Don Larsen, en route to the only World Series perfect game in baseball history in 1956, tested this superstition in the seventh inning, when he sidled over to teammate Mickey Mantle and said, “Hey, Mick — look at that. Two more innings. Wouldn’t it be something?” Mantle got up and walked away without responding.

   President Ronald Reagan deferred questions about upcoming elections by citing his days broadcasting Cubs games. Asked in 1984 if he thought the presidential election would be close, he said he never mentioned no-hitters on broadcasts as they unfolded. “I kind of feel the same way about campaigning,” he said.

   Some current broadcasters follow Reagan’s philosophy of avoiding mention of no-hitters, but not the Mariners’ Dave Neihaus, who has called more than a dozen.

   “I start mentioning it from the sixth inning on,” he said. “I don’t think you’re doing your job if you’re not telling the true story.”

10. Former pitcher Charlie Kerfeld, now a Mariners scout, was a renowned flake who gained some national attention for his lucky “Jetsons” T-shirt. Kerfeld, who pitched four seasons, mainly for the Astros, said he bought it in San Diego while out learning to surf on an off-day, and rolled off six or seven wins in a row.

    “That was it,” he said. “I just kept wearing it every day. Everyone thought I was nuts anyway, so it really didn’t matter. It worked good for me.”

    He kept wearing the Jetsons shirt, Kerfeld said, “Until I couldn’t get anyone out anymore. ‘Til they wouldn’t let me pitch.”

    And now? “It’s still in my closet somewhere. It has some rat holes in it. My wife won’t let me take it out, but it’s in there.”

Know of any jinxes NOT mentioned? Please comment.

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Congressman: I think I’m entitled to them.

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I want the truth!

Clemens: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has baseballs. And those balls have to be hit by men with bats. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Congressman? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for steroids and you curse HGH. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that HGH, while illegal, probably sells tickets. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, sells tickets…You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that mound. You need me on that mound. We use words like fastall, slider, splitfinger…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent playing a sport. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and falls asleep to the Sportscenter clips I provide,! then questions the manner in which I provide it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat and dig in. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

Clemens: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

Clemens: You’re g-ddamn right I did!!

[Source: National Review Online's Jonah Goldberg]

I have a memory of Gossage pitching against Don Baylor of the Baltimore Orioles during a night game. Goose was in his wind-up and the stadium lights went out for a moment. When the lights went on again, Baylor was face-down in the dirt in the batter’s box. He got up, looked at Goose, looked at the umpire and smiled a big smile. NO WAY was Baylor going to risk a wild pitch from that generation’s most dominant reliever.

I won’t call Gossage a closer. That’s a new invention. Gossage used to pitch 3 innings frequently, ling before the days of “set-up men” who specialize in the 7th and 8th innings to be followed by a closer who gets the ball with the bases empty in the 9th.

The American idiom bet the farm is defined as to risk everything you have because you are certain of something. If baseball, and the prices that George Steinbrenner pays his player teaches us anything, there is no such thing as sure thing.

My local Dodgers are blessed with a good farm system and some young talent that was fun to root for last season while the team was still in playoff contention. The fear among Dodger fans (not just the fair weather sort who only show up for a winner) was that Dodger management would trade away the future for a couple of years of pricey vets.

If the last week is any indication, new skipper Torre knows the Dodgers have great young talent and the way to keep it AND be competitive for 2008 is to bring in Japanese talent that won’t require sending LA’s upcoming stars to play for its foes. An outfield of Kemp, Jones and Ethier has a lot of potential.

Welcome to LA, Hiroki Kuroda.