Thank God for Jesse Orosco — 2007 Edition
In 2000, the following essay I wrote appeared on the now-defunct comedy website ComedyWorld.com entitled “Thank God For Jesse Orosco”:
I would like to say one thing at the start of the 2000 Baseball Season: Thank God for Jesse Orosco.
I said this throughout the 1980’s when the New York Mets left-handed relief pitcher dominated the National League. But today I not only thank God but I pray that He keeps him healthy and effective. Because when Jesse Orosco stops playing baseball, a horrible thing will happen: I will be older than every single major league baseball player. Forever.
There are two kinds of men in the free world; men who harbor dreams of being a major leaguer and men that I have never met. I planned to be a major league second baseman because it was the position my rag arm could do the least amount of damage. I couldn’t hit very well either. Or catch flyballs. Or grounders. I didn’t run very fast. In fact, there was almost nothing I could do well on the baseball field. Let me correct that: there was nothing I could do well on the baseball field.
By my 18th birthday, no major league club had drafted me. Surprisingly, I had not made the high school team either. Or any Little League squad. Yet It wasn’t until my mid to late 30’s when it fully sunk it that it’s never going to happen. Like many of us, I became a rabid baseball fan. My interest increased as I became an adult because guys my age were now BIG LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYERS (�my teammates� in an alternative universe). I noticed how the announcers referred to my compatriots: apple-cheeked rookies before they progressed into future stars, dependable regulars, veterans and eventually, gulp, utility player or old guy hanging on by a thread. Going into the 2000 seasons there were 3 players older than me still connected to thread: Doug Jones, currently on the disabled list (guys my age seem to spend a lot of time disabled); and knuckleballer Tom Candiotti, released by the Anaheim Angels although I am confident another team will embrace his combination of skill and wisdom and hire him. And because baseball always seems to keep at least one old coot around to keep the older fans interested.
The painful truth is that I would no longer welcome the call. For one thing — I’m tired. I don’t want to run around that much anymore. I don’t want apple-cheeked pitchers throwing balls at my head really hard. I don’t want to travel to Houston in summer ever again. I don’t think I have the necessary kind of concentration anymore. I’d be at my post at second base and my mind would wander “why can’t I get Windows 98 SE to recognize the USB ports on my laptop?” when - POW! — Vladimir Guerrero rockets a line drive off my forehead. I can see for myself that if I’ve been aligning myself with the careers of similarly aged major leaguers, that it’s getting nearly time to hang up my spikes. When it comes down to it, baseball is a boy’s game played by boys who are younger than me.
Except for Jesse.
After the initial publication of the piece, Aaron and I came up with a new stat, the “Orosco Number”: the number of active MLB players still older than you. By extension, one’s “Orosco Player” is the last player older than you who retired. Aaron says his Orosco number is currently 1.5, comprised of Julio Franco (b. 23 August 1958) and the likely-to-suit-up-for-someone-in-2007 Roger Clemens (b. 4 August 1962).
Aaron used Baseball-Reference.com’s listing of players born in 1962 and worked back from there.
If you are in your mid-30’s, younger than Clemens, it’s time to face your baseball immortality square in the mirror and calculate YOUR “Orosco Number”. If you are older than Julio Franco, who was your “Orosco Player”? It’s the kind of information that any real lover of baseball should know.
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It looks like pitchers hold out the longest. I’ve got David Wells, Roger Clemens, Randy Johnson, Jamie Moyer all hanging on. We’ll see what it looks like when we get to opening day, but I’ll probably have an Orosco number of 6 or so.
Wells, Johnson & Moyer are left-handers while righty Clemens is arguably the best pitcher of our time. Orosco was a lefty. Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to throw with their right hands.
May 11th, 2007 at 7:44 am
[...] Jesse Orosco Number news for geezers who are far from the Wheelchair [...]
Jun 4th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
[...] 3B Clete Boyer today, I got to wondering about another fan-mortality milestone to join the Orosco Number (which is the count of active players younger than you), a statistic to indicate the number of [...]